(TW: Depression and Suicide)
As many of you have probably heard, it was made known somewhat recently that Ronnie "Oni" Edwards, the lead editor of Game Theory and Film Theory ended his life at the first part of July. I only just recently watched MatPat's video about it and I wanted to give my voice on the serious issues of depression and suicide. Depression isn't merely "having a bad day". It's feeling like nobody cares. Like everyone else has it all put together while you're alone, trying to put a puzzle together while you're missing the most important pieces. It's waking up, thinking "what'll go wrong today?". It's feeling like if you disappeared, no one would notice. It's thinking that you're worthless, and that you're invisible. How do I know all this? you might be asking. I've been fighting this battle for several years.
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Note: Throughout this post, I will be referring to specific songs, and you may click on the song to be sent to the song on YouTube. Please let me know if there is any missing or broken links. All songs maintain the copyrights of their respective owners. I've always been something of a music enthusiast. As a young kid (about 4-9), I listened to a lot of my parents' era of music, as many of you probably have. Songs like If I Had a Million Dollars, Every Breath You Take, Beautiful Day, and I Will Remember You still play through my head sometimes. I also was in love with the more adventurous Disney music, like Go the Distance, One Jump Ahead, and I Just Can't Wait to be King.
Entering my older kid/early teen years (about 10-14), I started loving more modern, popular music. I would frequently listen to songs like Fireflies, Tonight Tonight, I Gotta Feeling, and Vida La Vida. I also found that I was starting to like some more classical music pieces and film scores, including things like Moonlight Sonata, Hedwig's Theme, and Nemo Egg. As I got older (about 15-17), I further enjoyed classical music and really started listening to a lot of indie and new age music. I would often listen to songs Breathe, Where The Stars and Moon Play, While The Cold Winter Waiting, and Highwayman I would also sometimes listen to more dark music like Shatter Me, Hello, One Step Closer, and Holding On and Letting Go. Some of my favourite songs during those years, however, were more on the sad side, which was probably because I was in my worst stage of depression during that time. I'll still sometimes listen to Dying Inside, You Don't Know, and Like A Song, but usually that's only when I'm having a day when I need to remember I (and other people) have survived much worse experiences. After I graduated from high school, and as I've been going to college (18-20), my music tastes have fluctuated a lot, and continue to do so often. Sometimes I'm in the mood for some gentle new age, other times I'm headbanging to some EDM. Sometimes all I need is a good Disney song, other times some popular jams are filling my ears. I think I'm always going to be fluctuating with what I listen to, but I'll always return to my favourite kinds of music. Every year I endeavor to have a theme for the year, and I try to make changes in my life involving that theme. Last year (2017), the theme was the Year of Honesty, which involved me being more honest with myself and deciding on what I actually wanted to do. After doing a lot of reflection, I have decided that this year (2018), will be the Year of Creativity. You're probably wondering what that entails. Well, let me tell you.
So I've been thinking for a while about starting up a YouTube channel. I feel like I have something to offer that's rather unique and could be interesting. I don't want to go into too much detail about what my channel's content would be, but I'm thinking it will be kind of a combination of a gameplay channel and a storytelling channel. The only problem is that I don't know how to record the gameplay. If you have any suggestions for me on how I can record the gameplay (or really anything else relating to starting a YouTube channel), let me know on Discord at KytaFreesky#4955.
In other news, I feel like you all would learn something new about me if I shared what some of my favourite YouTube channels are, so here is a short list of some of them, with a quick description of the channel and a link to the channel included. CGP Grey-- complex topics simply explained in a very engaging way-- https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC2C_jShtL725hvbm1arSV9w Draw With Jazza-- drawing tips and tricks, plus art challenges-- https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHu2KNu6TtJ0p4hpSW7Yv7Q Grian-- Minecraft creative building tutorials and games-- https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCR9Gcq0CMm6YgTzsDxAxjOQ MinutePhysics and MinuteEarth-- fairly short educational videos about the world around us--https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUHW94eEFW7hkUMVaZz4eDg and https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCeiYXex_fwgYDonaTcSIk6w Rosanna Pansino-- nerd and geek themed cooking and food challenges-- https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCjwmbv6NE4mOh8Z8VhPUx1Q The Game Theorists-- over-analysing video games using math, science, and more-- https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCo_IB5145EVNcf8hw1Kku7w Vat19-- advertising for products the company sells that are often so funny, you forget that they are ads-- https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCDRbNGFusqlXX4a5vwi9ouQ AND finally... quite a few animated storytellers, including:
Anyways, this blog post is getting long, so I'll end it off here. (Please don't forget that I'm looking for suggestions on game recording software.) Thanks for reading, --Kyta The following is a poem I wrote over two years ago, called "Reaching for Hope". I was going through a lot of trials and depression when I wrote this, and I felt like giving up. But then something flipped inside me, and while this poem doesn't exactly explain how it happened for me, I hope that if you need a reason to hope, then this can help you.
Note: If you feel like you want to, this is a really great song to listen to as you read this, linked here. Also, there is a note I wrote at the end, which you can read if you would like. "Reaching for Hope"-- by me, KytaFreesky Reaching beyond the sky Is easier said than done It's hard to have dreams When darkness has won Covered by the night As black as my heart I walk alone in the hope That nobody else will start The ones who called me those horrible names The ones who caused these deep scars The ones who never thought I would Feel like I was trapped behind bars I cover my ears and face when they come I don't want them to see my tear-stains I just want to be left alone Can't they see the inside pains I am almost finished with life It's become too much to take Nobody knows or even cares that My black heart is about to break I walk up to the edge Of the final place I'll go Then I hear the call of my name But I don't see anyone I know I look every which way But no one I see knows my name I didn't recognize the voice I didn't know from where it came I looked up at the stormy sky above Then remembered that He was there As I saw the brightest moonbeam Part the clouds that were put there I remembered that He loved me And that he always would I walked away from the edge Because with Him, I could I could forgive the people Who almost pushed me off I could stand with a smile on my face In front of those who scoff I could reach past the stars And regain the friends I lost I'll have to thank Him later For paying the greatest cost End My Note: Don't forget that there is always hope. Always. Laurie Halse Anderson said that, “There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn’t matter anymore.” There are people that care about you and want you to keep progressing and become the best you can become. The best is yet to come, if you have hope. Hope for a better day tomorrow can be all you need to have a fantastic day tomorrow. Continue to have hope for an easier day or an unexpected laugh. This is mostly coming from my personal experience. I've had a lot to deal with, but because of my Savior (if you remember from my 20 Questions post, I'm a Christian) and a few other people, I'm still here today. "Infuse your life with action. Don't wait for it to happen. Make it happen. Make your own future. Make your own hope. Make your own love. And whatever your beliefs, honor your creator, not by passively waiting for grace to come down from upon high, but by doing what you can to make grace happen... yourself, right now, right down here on Earth." -Bradley Whitford Thank you very much for reading. It really means a lot to me that you took the time to read this. --Kyta
Maybe we should just take a break from time to time. A real break.
Sometimes while I'm at home, I'll just turn away from my laptop, take my phone out of my pocket, sit down on the floor and just think, maybe with some soft music playing. Think about where I am in my life, where I've been, and where I am going. I often find that this helps me point my moral compass towards the things in my life that need the most attention. That's why I often find myself gravitating not towards people as a whole, but more towards ways that I can help the people around me. Unlike many people, I'm okay with spending alone time. Just as long as I'm not alone with the voices in my head for too long, which mostly only happens when I'm alone in silence. I spend so much time alone, but I'm rarely alone in silence. I almost always have some sort of music or noise going through my head. Sometimes, though, it's beneficial to listen to the noises around you. I will sometimes just listen to the clickety-clack of the train I ride to school and back, the gentle roar of the engine of the bus I ride to work, the slow hum of the air conditioner at home as I drift off to sleep. I've seen several people who seem to never take their music out of their ears, and I'm sure that if they would take some time to just be still, their lives would be better for it. Mine sure is. So where am I going with this? I want to invite you to take some time. Alone. No notifications, no music, no games, nothing but some soft ocean waves. For two minutes. I know that sounds like a long time, but really. It isn't. Take the challenge here and let me know on Discord what you thought of your time spent away from all of your distractions. (Find me on discord at KytaFreesky#4955, and if you (for some reason) can't message me on there, then let me know via some other means.) Enjoy! --Kyta I found this image online, and I wanted to share it with all of you, after I did a small amount of tweaking. And yes, this is true. If you didn't know this about me, then I'd suggest that you watch the video linked below the image, for more information. (And just so you know, the person in the video is not me, I just found that video a few months ago, and found that it helps clear up some questions.) Video I was talking about above: Click here. --Kyta
It is 3:40am at the time that I am writing this. I can't sleep. Not with the demons spawning in my head every time I close my eyes. Not that you need worry about me getting enough sleep. I'm used to it. Kind of. I mostly just feel like I need less sleep that everyone else. It's 3:45am now. I'm going to try and get some sleep now. Good luck me. You'll need it.
If any of you want to feel like you can't sleep, and are willing to have your mind disturbed by a creepypasta, I recommend this one: 1999. It's 3:51am now. --Kyta
basic idea of NaNoWriMo is that throughout the entire month of November, from 12:00 midnight that starts the 1st of November to 11:59 pm November 30th, people will try to write a 50,000 word first draft of a novel (or more than that, which I think is sorta ridiculous).
I tried it last year, but because of complications with school, family, work, and life in general, I only got around 8,000 words written. This year, however, I'm excited because I have fewer classes and got a few things recently that will help me write a lot more this year. I got a Bluetooth keyboard to go with my Android tablet, which is my main writing device, for the most part. I also got a really large whiteboard which is great for scribbling out ideas I get while I'm lying in bed, trying to sleep. Fairly soon, I'll also be (hopefully) getting some software for my laptop that will help me keep track of all of my characters and world details. I didn't blog my NaNoWriMo writing journey a lot last year because of complications and frustrations, but I will be doing that this year. I will also be sharing with you a little bit of the world-building and/or characters that I'll be working with this year, so if you notice that I'm posting a lot, then that's why. I will not be sharing details of the story though, so don't ask. If any of you want to try your hand at writing a novel, I'd invite you to join the NaNoWriMo community here. I have an account, and my username is KytaFreesky if you'd like to find me on there. Anyway, I should probably get going on getting ready for November, so I'll be off for now. Thanks for reading. --Kyta To celebrate my 20th birthday, here are 20 questions and my answers.
So there you have it. 20 answers to 20 questions for 20 years. If you have any other questions for me, check the FAQ. There you'll find some common questions, as well as somewhere for you to ask your question. Thanks for reading this, and I hope that I seem at least slightly more human to you now. --Kyta |
AuthorI am KytaFreesky. Archives
February 2018
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